Had a great weekend at The Orchard. At the end of today’s gathering, we sang these lyrics: “Into marvelous light I’m running, out of darkness, out of shame”. Shame is a big deal to me. I don’t recover well from sin. Whether a simple mistake or a matter of the heart requiring serious attention, I believe I should feel as bad as possible for an appropriate period of time. And that’s because I think others won’t believe I’m repentant. Doesn’t that just suck to live so bound up? I know that through the sacrifice of Jesus, my sins are forgiven. All of them. Ones done. Ones to come. So why do I still stink at living life free of shame?
I guess I need to constantly remember or rather pray that the Holy Spirit will remind me that there is no condemnation in Jesus. That in Christ, I am new–regardless of sin committed by me or at me. I am not forgiven then relegated to the dog house, but I am forgiven and restored. I must remember GOD does not hold these things against me so why should I? You know what’s really bad? I have to force myself to stay in the dog house instead of move on. It takes more energy to stay stuck than to live free. Creepy. And on top of that if I live stuck, that’s what gets communicated to non-believers and new believers and the wrong message comes across. Ugh.
Wish I could just get this stuff and keep it. I tend to learn something and move on having “mastered” the concept. But a growing relationship with Jesus Christ is fluid. There is constant learning and remembering and rethinking. So once again in pursuit of mastering the concept of living without shame, I will head on back to the teacher for the next lesson and the next step.