I’m so mad I could…

If you’ve followed this blog for awhile, you know that I am depressed. I see an internist and a psychiatrist regularly while we are dialing in some medication and monitoring Type 2 Diabetes. I am one of many women/moms in the same or similar boat. Comforting or disturbing? You pick.

About 5 years ago, I had a 2 1/2 yr old, a 1 yr old, a baby on the way and gestational diabetes. I was absolutely exhausted. My 2 yr old was a behavioral nightmare. I often found myself at the end of my rope and would scream at her at the top of my lungs, pounding my fists into pillows, mattresses, countertops and tables. I did a lot of teeth clenching. I never had thoughts of deliberately harming my children. One day I lifted my daughter up onto the changing table, angry as usual and as I laid her down, I actually had a vision of me body slamming her onto the hard surface. And it scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want to hurt her. I wanted control. Its an insane person who thinks they can gain control by losing self control. I was afraid I would show up on an Oprah show describing how a split second action changed my life forever. At the same time, I was afraid if someone found out how volatile I was, they would take away my children. I called my pastor, told him what I was feeling and could the church recommend a therapist. 

At my first therapy visit, I was diagnosed with Depression. Ugh. With my family history, I knew it was an accurate assessment but hated the fact that medication was recommended. For years I figured if I could just maintain a consistent quiet time and read the bible regularly, I could get a handle on my emotional roller coaster. No meds. I didn’t want to walk around like a zombie. I didn’t want to become someone else through drugs or endanger my pregnancy. I did agree to try working with natural remedies which helped quite a bit. After a while though, my rage broke through the therapy and natural remedies. My OB/GYN started me on an antidepressant that was safe in pregnancy. It was nothing short of a miracle.

To be continued…

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