Archive for the ‘depression’ Category

Just For Today

Inspired by this post from Los Whittaker, I remembered a prayer I had printed on a bookmark years ago when I attended Al-Anon, a 12-step recovery group for families of alcoholics. It began a changed life in me. I’ve been craving it lately and finally decided to track it down again. Hope it speaks to you.

 Just For Today

Just for today, I will try to live through this day only,and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today, I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that “most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my “luck” as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. I will do at least two things I don’t want to–just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and rlax. During this half hour sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

 -Kenneth L. Holmes


Copyright ©1996 Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.    

(note: this reprint has a later copyright date than the text itself circa 1986)








I’m so mad I could…2

This is the conclusion of my gigantic post started yesterday regarding my depression and what happened once I was diagnosed and treated by a professional…

Within a week, I began to feel more self controlled. Not euphoric, not pollyanna. Just less rage. Therapy helped give me tools to use for those trigger moments that can send you off your rocker. Medication gave me the ability to remember I actually had tools to use. Since then, there have been ups and downs, stressors great and small, and constant monitoring of this condition.

I have been running into a wall the last couple months. A medication shift didn’t work so well and threw me into a bit of a tailspin. I am yelling at my children again. Not because I want to hurt them. But because I want control in my current chaotic family season. Sound familiar? My doctors and friends are encouraging me to invest in myself — more sleep, more exercise, back to therapy — during this extraordinary time when our family schedule is overwhelming. The other night, I was reminded of the principle that I cannot lead anyone else well, in this case, my children and home, if I am not well myself. What’s the saying, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” 

The scripture verse from 1 Sam 30:6 says, “David strengthened himself in the Lord his God.” I have been railing against my children in an effort to gain control and train them in the way they should go. What I heard from this verse and in its context was that my reactions to my kids’ behavior was about me, not them. No amount of teaching them will affect how I respond. And so I will spend my time in the coming months caring for myself and strengthening myself in the Lord, my God. I will start physically by going to the health club and letting the kids enjoy their own gym and play time. That will give me natural time alone and quiet–especially in the steam room, sauna or whirlpool. (Did I mention my arthritis?)

If any of this is familiar or touches a nerve for  you–do not ignore it. GET HELP. If you are a Christ follower, GET HELP. Yes, we can all do a better job of being quiet and reading our bibles and praying, ya, ya, ya. GET HELP ANYWAY especially if you have thoughts of hurting yourself or others. Tell a trusted friend, family member or pastor. Leave me a comment and I’ll reply. Read a book. A good one on mom anger is Julie Ann Barnhill’s She’s Gonna Blow . Bonnie Keen’s Blessed Are The Desperate For They Will Find Hope is especially good if you work or volunteer in ministry and are depressed and/or find yourself in overwhelming or unexpected circumstances. Go here to see some recommendations for other books.

One of my favorite quotes from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. sums it up – “If you can’t fly, run. If you can’t run, walk. If you can’t walk, crawl. But by all means, keep moving.”

I’m so mad I could…

If you’ve followed this blog for awhile, you know that I am depressed. I see an internist and a psychiatrist regularly while we are dialing in some medication and monitoring Type 2 Diabetes. I am one of many women/moms in the same or similar boat. Comforting or disturbing? You pick.

About 5 years ago, I had a 2 1/2 yr old, a 1 yr old, a baby on the way and gestational diabetes. I was absolutely exhausted. My 2 yr old was a behavioral nightmare. I often found myself at the end of my rope and would scream at her at the top of my lungs, pounding my fists into pillows, mattresses, countertops and tables. I did a lot of teeth clenching. I never had thoughts of deliberately harming my children. One day I lifted my daughter up onto the changing table, angry as usual and as I laid her down, I actually had a vision of me body slamming her onto the hard surface. And it scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want to hurt her. I wanted control. Its an insane person who thinks they can gain control by losing self control. I was afraid I would show up on an Oprah show describing how a split second action changed my life forever. At the same time, I was afraid if someone found out how volatile I was, they would take away my children. I called my pastor, told him what I was feeling and could the church recommend a therapist. 

At my first therapy visit, I was diagnosed with Depression. Ugh. With my family history, I knew it was an accurate assessment but hated the fact that medication was recommended. For years I figured if I could just maintain a consistent quiet time and read the bible regularly, I could get a handle on my emotional roller coaster. No meds. I didn’t want to walk around like a zombie. I didn’t want to become someone else through drugs or endanger my pregnancy. I did agree to try working with natural remedies which helped quite a bit. After a while though, my rage broke through the therapy and natural remedies. My OB/GYN started me on an antidepressant that was safe in pregnancy. It was nothing short of a miracle.

To be continued…

Health and Welfare

I’m adding this as a ragamuffinTop challenge post. Weight 8/16: 198.6;  8/30: 198.8

I apologize if you got here through the wrong tag or search. Its not about politics. Its all about ME!!!

From my previous post on “Fat, Depression and Hormones“, you may have deduced I would have jumped off a bridge by now. Not so. I got my blood work back, met with a personal trainer and talked with a psychiatrist.

My bad cholesterol is down 18 pts to 102. I believe 100 is normalish? Yay fish oil supplements. My A1c test which measures blood glucose over about 3 months was 5.8% which is normal and considered controlled. My fasting glucose was 10 pts above normal so if that continues, they may medicate me. All other systems were fine–no thyroid, heart, kidney, liver issues. I need to get my annual glaucoma exam next month.

Met with a personal trainer who is a former body builder, been training for almost 50 years and is well acquainted with rehab and arthritis. He is also a very personable guy. We talked a lot about my history and he is showing me the best exercises and machines to use to get the best workout with the least risk. Turns out I already know a lot about what to do. Now it becomes a matter of doing it. I have 2 more sessions to go. Wish we could afford more. I may have to put that in the budget somehow. Let’s see…who what can we sell?

Saw my first psychiatrist today. We reviewed my medical history. He asked me some key questions. Discovered I most likely have double depression(great) which is a low level of depression (hereditary or naturally occurring) with major life events piled on top–especially postpartum. Having 3 babies in less than 3 years counts, stress, grief. Plus my current medication produces anti-motivation and weight gain side effects. God only knows how I get out of bed in the morning. He is switching my meds. Unfortunately, coming off the med I currently take in such a high dose causes severe withdrawal so friends who have ever offered to help with crazy mommy time, I’ll be calling you soon. He is doing it VERY gradually and dovetailing the new med VERY gradually. We’ll see how this goes. My poor family.

Anyway, some progress being made. If you’re so inclined I’d appreciate your prayers for a smooth med transition.

Fat, depression, and hormones

I originally put this on my ragamuffinTop post but think it fits better on its own. Regarding the weight loss challenge, I really haven’t done well. Depression is kicking my arse. Sad thing is(no pun intended 🙂 ), exercise will help relieve depression symptoms but depression deters motivation. Really, the one thing that is good is that I’m trying not to give up being public about this.

I talked to my doctor this week and he said that 2/3 of the medications I take, promote weight loss so essentially the deck is stacked against me. Unfortunately, that doesn’t explain how I lost 14 lbs last year with the same depression. I got my blood work redone but don’t have results on any of that yet. He’s referring me to a psychiatrist who he feels is better qualified to look at all the symptoms(aka, crazy mommy) and dial-in any med changes. I also need to follow up with my OB/GYN and talk about those meds plus schedule my follow-up mammogram from February’s “calcification check”.

At least my neck doesn’t hurt!

My non-Twitter twitter

I don’t Twitter. But if I did, this would be it…except for the 93 word count.

3:48 a.m. still awake, lots of pain, getting worse. I’m getting weaker. Lose my step now and then. I need surgery. My first steroid injection is in 5 hours and 10 mins. Then I think I’ll be calling the surgeon unless I feel fabulous. How much do I trust God? Do I choose the best surgical option with the most risk to one of my passions and gifts? Do I choose the conservative route and risk 2nd surgery and quality of life? I hate this.

Fat Blogger update

I am SO not the one to inspire a movement. Months ago, I outed myself as a fatblogger and wanted to use the blog as a journal for my progress. Well, yeah. Lots of things have happened since then and suffice it to say, I have not turned into fitblogger yet. I started working part-time in August then got a type II Diabetes warning, formerly called a diagnosis. Apparently the doctor did not officially label me as Diabetic in my medical chart, contrary to his verbal instructions to me. Jerk. For some reason, I chose that time frame to stop exercising regularly, add tons of sugar to my diet and gain back all the weight I lost last year by this time. Plus 4 ounces. I’m losing my sense of humor and positive outlook on this whole mess.

For over 40 years I have struggled with self-confidence. Many times I know the right answers deep down but I don’t seem to have the guts to stand for them. I know they’re the right ones because time seems to reveal that. And for a good many years of my past, the “christian” environment I submitted to didn’t necessarily encourage standing fast. So I finally feel like I’m coming out of a cave and wham! I let myself go back into crappy thinking.

I’m tired of anti-depressants, pain, anti-inflammatories, physical therapy, hormones, and insomnia. Sadly the things that are comforting to me are the things that cause all the problems–fried food and chocolate!

So here we go. Start over. Lets see how we do this year. On your mark, get set…GO! Step 1. Today’s weigh in…199.4 lbs