Archive for the ‘women’ Category

I’m so mad I could…2

This is the conclusion of my gigantic post started yesterday regarding my depression and what happened once I was diagnosed and treated by a professional…

Within a week, I began to feel more self controlled. Not euphoric, not pollyanna. Just less rage. Therapy helped give me tools to use for those trigger moments that can send you off your rocker. Medication gave me the ability to remember I actually had tools to use. Since then, there have been ups and downs, stressors great and small, and constant monitoring of this condition.

I have been running into a wall the last couple months. A medication shift didn’t work so well and threw me into a bit of a tailspin. I am yelling at my children again. Not because I want to hurt them. But because I want control in my current chaotic family season. Sound familiar? My doctors and friends are encouraging me to invest in myself — more sleep, more exercise, back to therapy — during this extraordinary time when our family schedule is overwhelming. The other night, I was reminded of the principle that I cannot lead anyone else well, in this case, my children and home, if I am not well myself. What’s the saying, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” 

The scripture verse from 1 Sam 30:6 says, “David strengthened himself in the Lord his God.” I have been railing against my children in an effort to gain control and train them in the way they should go. What I heard from this verse and in its context was that my reactions to my kids’ behavior was about me, not them. No amount of teaching them will affect how I respond. And so I will spend my time in the coming months caring for myself and strengthening myself in the Lord, my God. I will start physically by going to the health club and letting the kids enjoy their own gym and play time. That will give me natural time alone and quiet–especially in the steam room, sauna or whirlpool. (Did I mention my arthritis?)

If any of this is familiar or touches a nerve for  you–do not ignore it. GET HELP. If you are a Christ follower, GET HELP. Yes, we can all do a better job of being quiet and reading our bibles and praying, ya, ya, ya. GET HELP ANYWAY especially if you have thoughts of hurting yourself or others. Tell a trusted friend, family member or pastor. Leave me a comment and I’ll reply. Read a book. A good one on mom anger is Julie Ann Barnhill’s She’s Gonna Blow . Bonnie Keen’s Blessed Are The Desperate For They Will Find Hope is especially good if you work or volunteer in ministry and are depressed and/or find yourself in overwhelming or unexpected circumstances. Go here to see some recommendations for other books.

One of my favorite quotes from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. sums it up – “If you can’t fly, run. If you can’t run, walk. If you can’t walk, crawl. But by all means, keep moving.”


I’m so mad I could…

If you’ve followed this blog for awhile, you know that I am depressed. I see an internist and a psychiatrist regularly while we are dialing in some medication and monitoring Type 2 Diabetes. I am one of many women/moms in the same or similar boat. Comforting or disturbing? You pick.

About 5 years ago, I had a 2 1/2 yr old, a 1 yr old, a baby on the way and gestational diabetes. I was absolutely exhausted. My 2 yr old was a behavioral nightmare. I often found myself at the end of my rope and would scream at her at the top of my lungs, pounding my fists into pillows, mattresses, countertops and tables. I did a lot of teeth clenching. I never had thoughts of deliberately harming my children. One day I lifted my daughter up onto the changing table, angry as usual and as I laid her down, I actually had a vision of me body slamming her onto the hard surface. And it scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want to hurt her. I wanted control. Its an insane person who thinks they can gain control by losing self control. I was afraid I would show up on an Oprah show describing how a split second action changed my life forever. At the same time, I was afraid if someone found out how volatile I was, they would take away my children. I called my pastor, told him what I was feeling and could the church recommend a therapist. 

At my first therapy visit, I was diagnosed with Depression. Ugh. With my family history, I knew it was an accurate assessment but hated the fact that medication was recommended. For years I figured if I could just maintain a consistent quiet time and read the bible regularly, I could get a handle on my emotional roller coaster. No meds. I didn’t want to walk around like a zombie. I didn’t want to become someone else through drugs or endanger my pregnancy. I did agree to try working with natural remedies which helped quite a bit. After a while though, my rage broke through the therapy and natural remedies. My OB/GYN started me on an antidepressant that was safe in pregnancy. It was nothing short of a miracle.

To be continued…


I read Perry Noble’s post about their upcoming series at Newspring Church in Anderson, SC called “Beautiful” and it reminded me of Christina Aguilera’s song “Beautiful“. As I recall, the song is based in feelings toward her father and perhaps even the media and public at the time it was released. I think she is an amazingly talented performer and I have bristled at the blatant sexuality portrayed in her videos and public persona. Still, what I admire about her and others is the courage to live their lives way out loud and in the fish bowl. To be as they say true to themselves and their art and to grow or fall through it. Madonna has said that the period of time where the Sex book and some of her more pornographic videos/movies were about discovering her sexuality among other things and not being afraid of it. She also has said that she made some foolish choices but writes it off to her personal growth.

I think we as Christian women can learn tons from these ladies. We may not agree with their portrayals, their fashion, their in your face style but it seems they have the courage to live with themselves, be who they are, when they are, and move on. OK, yeah, I don’t any of these celebs personally so I could be way off but lets take note of what we can see. They are women with talent, courage–especially to put their very personal art out for all to see no matter the critique–, faults, fears, wise and unwise choices. I would love to live this fearlessly.

Why I blog and read all yours

I found a link to this story from BooMama. An amazing story of moms coming together over a common cause through the internet. Take a few minutes to read. I could not stop once I started.

dinner shminner

I feel like having ice cream and Coke for dinner. I don’t think the kids will mind, do you? All I need is ice cream and Coke. I wish the grocery store would deliver.

Went to a funeral today. One of my neighbors passed away young from cancer.  It feels like one of the porch lights went out in the neighborhood. Can summer really come if she is not sitting in her driveway after a day poolside, finishing her tan with an ice cold something or other in hand? I’m going to miss her. She liked our kids. Especially JD. At least most of the time. I’m sure she remarked on their volume and ear-splitting playtimes. Or maybe MY volume. I will miss her beautiful flowers. I will miss her encouraging me not to sweat it because after all, I do have 3 small kids and can’t be expected to do ____________(fill in the blank). That line always bought me another 10, ok 30 minutes in the driveway. I didn’t get to sit with the neighbors a lot last summer. After all, I do have 3 small kids and can’t be expected…

I’m glad I got to see her and talk to her before she died. I’m glad my kids rallied and painted her pictures. I’m glad she was still able to see the pictures and know who they were from. If God has a driveway, Jane is sitting in it in a much nicer lawn chair, most likely with a Corona in hand and getting the PERFECT tan.

God bless you Janie! See you after awhile.

Its Boob-o-gram time!

It’s time again for my annual mammogram. Had it last week and wouldn’t you know it, they wanted more views. I’m so proud. So I went this morning and they took their extra pictures. Apparently, whatever showed up last week wasn’t there today so I’m clear for another 6 months. I have to follow up the follow up test.

And of course, I made some observations while I was there. Why does everything associated with a mammogram take on the “mammo” prefix? Can they just call it a wet wipe to get rid of the lotion and deodorant? No. Its called a “Mammowipe”. Really. And the machine is not just an imaging machine, its called a “Mammomat”. What the? Even the educational materials get in the game. There is a chart that shows what size lumps can be detected by monthly self exam vs. waiting to get a mammogram. Yep. Its called the “MammoCare Lump Chart”.  Like using “mammo” let’s people know, “oh, its about the boobs.” Well thank heavens that was cleared up.

Then there’s the waiting room. All us ladies in our robes looking cautiously at each other half-wondering “what’re you in for?” One very nervous woman was getting a follow up test as well. She was perfectly willing to share her fears. We all kind of smiled and nodded to reassure her she wasn’t being silly. Another was several years removed from her own breast cancer. She was hoping for another “all clear”.  And we all sit nervously awaiting the nurse consultation telling us we will either need more tests or can go home without a care in the world. Last year I was the “need a biopsy, see the surgeon” girl. This year, no worries. At least no mammo-worries.

Check your breasts. Go here for more information and/or support.  I know I’m making light of it here but it is important to take care of yourself and be aware of your breast health.

Bringing sexy back(some parental guidance suggested)

Who’s bringing sexy back?
My husband that’s who. And yes I realize that song is SO two songs ago. But stay with me.
Have you ever heard the phrase “for women, foreplay starts in the kitchen”? Well now, what’s hotter than coming home from an MRI and a trip to the grocery store where the tv is off and dad and the kids are doing a jigsaw puzzle at the table? Then organizes them to clean up their rooms. Since I’ve been working evenings, he’s had to fix dinner every night–complete with a vegetable. He’s done the laundry and the dishes.
Any of you ladies care to share a household “turn on” that might help the other hubbies along?